And I've learned exactly nothing in my 43 years' experience on this planet. (Shut up, daughter, as of this writing I am still 43--in my very early forties!)
At age 8 I lived in fear every single school day that, in my absence from home, my mom would clean out my dresser drawers and discover the pile of junk and papers and drawings and garbage stashed in my top drawer. My stomach trembled at the thought of how much trouble I'd be in for my hoarding tendencies when I got home from school.
Sure, there was a solution. I could have CLEANED THE DRAWER OUT MYSELF. But I didn't. Know why? Because I had a master plan in my head in which I cleaned my whole bedroom from top to bottom--every square inch fresh and sparkly--including the dreaded top dresser drawer--and voila! Problem solved! Except that I never quite got around to doing it because I was far too busy playing outside with the neighbor kids and watching TV and (according to my cousin who called me out for it at my grandmother's memorial service) being bossy and controlling. So. Problem not quite so solved . . .
And that story is pretty much all you need to know to understand who I am. But I'll still tell you a couple more ; )
As a teen I knew I needed to buckle down and get serious about my grades. But I couldn't just dive in and tackle a little bit every day--oh no, not me! First (as the blueprints inside my head went) I had to clean my whole bedroom from top to bottom--every inch fresh and sparkly--and only then could I devote myself to the proper sitting-at-my-desk study of homework each night.
But my plans didn't begin and end with a clean room and daily schoolwork. Nope. Because that's too simple a strategy for me. At that time I wanted to be a child phychologist so I borrowed about 10 hefty volumes from the library (Freud, Jung--you know, just some light reading) and packed them around with me for weeks without ever cracking a single one--the plan being that I'd immerse myself in them once my room was a tidy haven for academic pursuits, but, um **ahem** . . .
Also, I "was going to" (my famous impotent phrase) buy a subscription to Phychology Today and dutifully read it every evening, taking notes of vocabulary words and new concepts on a yellow legal pad (I babysat for a lawyer at the time, she left a large impression on me.) And there would be a houseplant (which I would remember to water) next to me on the desk and all my books would be properly organized on the bookshelf to my left. Ahhhhh, it was all to be so *perfect*!
None of that ever got done. And to this day I still have bad dreams about not having completed enough assignments for one of my classes and having to face the realization that I will fail the class and have to retake it . . .
You would think I'd learn from these experiences. But you'd be wrong in your thinking.
Also as a teen I was going to completely swear off sweets (another nugget of information gleaned from my lawyer boss) and exercise all the time and be svelte and skinny. Never mind that I was a completely firm, toned, petite, strong, healthy gymnast who weighed at the least 111 lbs and at the very very very most 117 lbs. Maybe 118 if I let my breath out. But my wonderful get-skinny plan couldn't take effect until I had saved the $13.95 to purchase this pile of bunk:
Because if I was going to do anything I was going to do it 1000%. I wasn't going to eat right and exercise unless I had the foil sauna suit to ensure my loss of at least 6 lbs immediately!
But the other thing about me is that I'm terribly lazy. I easily could have earned the $13.95 through babysitting. And I did earn that many times over. However, I earned it 7 or 8 bucks at a time but was too lazy to save it, clip out the ad from the back of TV guide, fill out the form, send in my money and buy the stupid suit. Instead, I think I fostered my relationship with the love of my life (junk food) 7 or 8 bucks at a time. And never quite got around to eating right. Or exercising. Or in any way making an effort to encourage a healthy lifestyle for the upcoming days when I wouldn't be forced to work out regularly with the gymnastics team and I might actually need a road map for sustaining a healthy weight and exercise regime . . .
The rest of my life story reads a bit like "lather, rinse, repeat." The details and situations might be slightly changed, but the basic plot is exactly the same. At some point you might expect that I noticed that my "all or nothing" ways were getting me nowhere (particularly in the health and weight department) and that I would have modified my modus operandi to be more functional and, dare I say it, more sane. Again, you'd be wrong.
Were this December 31st I think I'd make some sort of promise to myself to learn--and live--slow and steady wins the race. But it isn't December 31st. It's May 19th. It's kind of like being a Wednesday and who starts a new diet on a Wednesday? Nope, diets start on Mondays. So a livable, sustainable attitude and practice about my health is going to have to wait until next December 31st.
Even then, I will only be able to start my new laid back, approachable, even-keel way of life after cleaning my whole house from top to bottom--every inch fresh and sparkly . . .
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