how NOT to do it

I've never been great with either fashion or make-up.  The make-up I wear is subtle (I hope!) and meant just to give me a little of my natural color back.  (What with being over 40 . . . and losing my looks . . . muh . . . )

I have found that my job is a perfect place to people watch.  It's perfect for looking at examples of how women dress themselves and paint themselves.  Well, perfect if you want to learn to present yourself like you're 86 years old . . . or on welfare . . . or are a harried mother of sick children.  I have a niche crowd, to say the least : )

I have one customer who is a late 20's energetic, funny mom.  But every time she comes in I really have to look her over (surreptitiously) to figure out why the whole package doesn't quite deliver.  Her blonde hair is always in a ponytail, but it's a well kept do and it's appropriate for a busy mom.  She usually dresses casually (including a nylon ski-type jacket which I abhor!!!) but again, it's suitable to her lifestyle.  I finally figured out that it's her make-up that misses the mark.

She wears heavy foundation.  Really heavy.  I don't know whether she's trying to cover up massive imperfections or whether she just has poor lighting in her bathroom.  Her coat of cover-up is so stout that there is a permanent stain of it on her nylon jacket.  Yet another reason to ditch it! 

Also, because her hair is pulled back and the foundation is the same color as her mane, it all kind of blends together.  I realize make-up is supposed to blend, but your whole head shouldn't look like one giant canvas of Serengeti.  Even her eyebrows and eyelashes synthesize with the monochromatic theme. 

And I don't think she's adding any color.  I'm hardly one to judge since I really don't get how the whole palette thing works, but shouldn't one add a little highlight here and there?  Maybe a rub of color on the cheeks?  Or perhaps an accentuation of the eyes?  It's odd how everything in her face disappears.  It's all one plane. 

Make-up.  If you look like this UR doing it wrong:

Breakfast

There aren't enough chocolate pieces in the mint-chocolate-chip ice cream I'm eating this morning. 

What?  Like you've never had a day start out like this?

: D

The most special kind of relationship

Now, you, dear reader, might be thinking to yourself that the most special kind of relationship is that between a husband and a wife.  Or maybe that between a mother and daughter.  Between a grandparent and grandchild?  You would be wrong with any of those guesses.  Scientific studies have shown that the most special kind of relationship is the one between Crazy-Over-40-Pretend-Surrogate-Momish-Type-Person and Equally-(but differently)-crazy-20something-Cat-Loving-Loner.

True story.

Here is a recent, and actual, transcript of said relationship.  (BTW, I'm sure this in no way constitutes breach of privacy, right?)

Me:  

Just like Festivus! It's the Airing of Grievances.

Do you ever just sit and marvel at how I have turned being an idiot into such a high art form? Because I do. I marvel.

Last June during the darkest time of my life, I had hoped that, along with the rest of my friends and family, you would call or message me on my birthday. I so wanted to believe that under those circumstances (at the very least) you would be the good guy and friend I knew (?) you really were and be supportive or thoughtful. And I made sure you knew it was my birthday so there was no ambiguity.

That turned out badly.

And I thought I was over that (but why? Why would **anyone** in their right mind even TRY to get over that?) until this week when you called me a drama queen and made fun of me. And then it all came back like a Sunday morning hangover.

I. Am. An. Idiot.

And a drama queen I may be, but . . . . I'm not even going to finish that thought. You know what I'd say anyway.

I'm not going to finish any of my thoughts. I'll refrain from making it a full blown nastygram because I know how you hate them. Not that I blame you. Although it escapes me now why I should give a passing care as to what you do or don't like. You are not a good friend to me. I shouldn't care at all. (I admit you have shown some care and concern about Logan, but the rest of our "relationship"?  Not so much.)

Bring on the Feats of Strength!

Him: 

Why not just tell me you're going to squat and piss on my grave?


Me:
Ha! yeah, because it's about me being bad to you : )


Him:

How is pissing on my grave about me? It isn't even bad. You would be adding nitrogen to the soil. Urea is very good for the plants.


Me:

Oh dear--is your allergy to admitting you might be wrong flaring up again? You need an antihistamine.

Or an antiKristamine . . .

Here are a few phrases to keep in mind for the future:

"I'm sorry"
"I was wrong"
"I was insensitive, let me make it up to you by . . . "
"I understand what you're saying"
"You're important enough to me that I want to do the right thing"
"I could have handled that differently"
"I'm a man, but I can change. If I have to. I guess . . . "

Say them. Let them roll around on your tongue. Get used to the feel of them. Maybe even practice them on me? Because I know and you know that you eventually want to have a long term relationship and any or all of those phrases are necessary for men to know and use. Frequently. And sincerely!

See what I'm doing there? I'm helping you have an amazing relationship in the future by training you now in all the things you are SORELY LACKING. I am selfless that way. 


Him:
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.


Me:

Yeah, just give me the address of your future gravesite now so I can get started. Why waste any more time?

Joking aside, do you have any idea how much it would mean to me if you either admitted you were insensitive to me when I needed you last summer or if you found a way to make some sort of amends? I'd probably forgive you everything else I bear a grudge about if that happened.


Him:

I should have called.  And I am sorry about that.  You have been supportive to me and I appreciate you.


Okay, fine.  That last line from "him" wasn't real.  What he really answered was:

 **crickets chirping** 

Nothing.  No answer at all.  Like anybody who has had at least a 10 minute relationship with him would have guessed.  Does it count that he has, on one or two occasions in the past, actually said the words, "I appreciate you"? 

At least we have the Red Green to laugh about . . .